All payments are final. No refunds will be issued ever. We don't do
public apologies. By subscribing, you agree to not take any legal
action against us ever amd adhere to the rules of the "Snitches Get
Stitches" code of honor.
Bronze
$9.99/Month
Minimum of 240 months
Track sunken investments in real time
Insider Trading Tips
Access optimal rug-pulling tools
We'll spot you $10 bucks if you need it
You can borrow our toothbrush - once
Gold
$8.9K/Month
Minimum of 120 months
Tier 1 perks
Limited access to our lawyers for Wire Fraud court cases and
other related cases
Access to 50% financing for bribes
24/7 Money laundering help line
Platinum
$9.9K/Month
Minimum of 60 months
We will literally commit crimes for you
Full on bribery of government offices
Pure, unadulterated, blackmail
Assassination
Optional world domination
Buckle up, hang on tight, and get ready for a ride more unpredictable
than your Wi-Fi connection during a storm. Remember, investing in
crypto is like trying to teach a cat to fetch – exciting, slightly
absurd, and occasionally ending with unexpected results. By using our
platform, you agree to the terms, conditions, and the unspoken
understanding that the crypto market is the real-life equivalent of a
choose-your-own-adventure novel, where the ending is as uncertain as
your grandma's secret recipe. By subscribing to the Platinum tier, you
agree to shut your mouth about what you hear. What happens on the
canvas stays on the canvas. Don't play with us. WE. WILL. FIND. YOU...